"Demi matahari dan cahayanya di pagi hari.
Demi bulan apabila mengiringinya.
Demi siang apabila meneranginya.
Demi malam apabila menutupinya.
Demi langit serta pembinannya.
Demi bumi serta hamparannya.
Demi jiwa serta penyempurnaannya (ciptaannya).
Maka Kami ilhamkan kepada jiwa itu jalan kefasikan dan jalan ketakwaan.
Beruntunglah mereka yang menyucikan jiwa itu.
Dan merugilah mereka yang mengotorinya."
(as-Syams : 1-10)

Bukan Gambar Sebenar

saya dikenali dengan nama awang, jang, syah, IQ dan sekarang ni shaz. saya berasal dr sebuah kampung di kuala penyu sabah.saya ada 7 adik-beradik. saya yang keempat.saya sekolah rendah di sekolah rendah di sana. kemudian saya masuk tingkatan satu di sekolah berasrama penuh sabah. sekarang sekolah itu dikenali dengan nama sekolah menengah sains sabah. Lepas spm, saya sambung pula belajar di pppitm selama setahun. selepas itu, saya menggunakan duit rakyat utk melanjutkan pelajaran di Indiana University Bloomington selama 4 tahun. Oleh kerana saya tidak pandai, saya terpaksa sambung setengah tahun lagi untuk menyiapkan projek tahun akhir.Kemudian saya balik. Kerana tidak tahan menganggur selama lima bulan, saya pun menguatkan semangat untuk berhijrah ke kuala lumpur untuk mencari pekerjaan. setelah sebulan, saya pun diterima bekerja di sebuah syarikat pembinaan di sini. saya sangat gembira.Oleh kerana saya gembira, berat badan saya sudah tambah 2 kilo. Emak saya sendiri yang cakap masa balik kampung hari tu. Saya juga sedang berusaha untuk mengurangkan tabiat merokok. tabiat itu sangat membazir dan saya pun belum cukup kaya untuk membazir

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Monday, January 20, 2014
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and fuck that shit!

The night i decided to pop those sleeping pills to put an end to my sleepless night was the night when a burglar decided to pay a visit. He couldn't have picked a better time too as I just had the house cleaned, the floor mopped and air fragrance replaced. I imagine that he must have been impressed with the house that he only took the money from my wallet and nothing else. He was very quiet too as not to interrupt my sleep. What a gentleman.

Took me until late in the afternoon to realize what had happened. In the morning, I found my wallet lying on the floor. It was empty. Next to it are a bunch of cards from inside of it, but no money, I just assumed the wind must have knocked it off the table and must have blown the money somewhere maybe under the sofa etc. Weird thing is, upon realization i dint really want to do anything about it. Ok that's not weird. But still curious, I asked a self-proclaimed tukang tilik friend of mine if he could get some insight abt this.

"aku dah communicate dgn dia secara telepati, dia nak duit utk beli susu anak. Ko redha je la"
"ok pesan kat dia jgn datang lagi. duit tu cukup utk supply setahun kot :)"

No, I don't care abt the missing money. He must have been really desperate enough that the only way to get the money to provide to his family is by breaking into someone's house. And w the condition I'm currently in, I can appreciate the power of desperation that can make people do things they normally wouldn't.

I let myself suffer through a toothache for a week when I was desperate to forget the massive pain in my heart. And I spent countless hours listening to hypnosis recordings from youtube when I was desperate for a good night sleep. Shit didn't work. Maybe I need to suffer just a bit more as a punishment for stealing not long ago.

In my defense, it wasn't for me. It's for my heart, and the heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart is very picky too. It had been a really long time since my heart wanted anything and finally when it said that it wanted her, I just could not say no. So in desperation, I stole her heart to accompany mine. And I got her to agree with me that they were perfect for each other. We decided to let them play a while, until the day come when they can play no more.

Letting go was the hardest. Desperate for some sort of closure, I had to go back 15 years to see what is wrong with the path I took. Why I took all the wrong turns, met all the wrong people. If only there was a Waze equivalent for journey through life.

Suddenly it hit me, fuck, I am tired and sleepy now. Turns out writing makes me sleepy. Who would've thought, right? Ok. Suddenly it hit me that I actually.... Ok seriously too sleepy to think now. I guess I'm already too old for this shit. Fuck it.


ps- the thief also took my favorite jeans. Nak beli susu konon. Comel sangat sangat.

Posted at 12:07 am by syahrzan

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Losing my only watch early this year was a loss that I could live with although it needed some time to get used to. Being a lefty, wearing the watch gave an appropriate weight to my left hand for good balance between my right and left hand.

And now I feel even better about not having a watch. No need to be fully aware of time progressing. Understanding of the fact that time never stops is enough. I dont want to see it in front of me getting smaller and smaller leaving me far behind. Catching up with it seems impossible and surely complaining about how fast time goes by will not help.

The right and only thing I could do is to buy me a new pair of running shoes and enjoy running with her. Run as long as I can, and occasionally stop when she needs to catch her breath. Impress her with my having great stamina despite my smoking habit.

And thats what ive been doing. Sometimes the urge to run fast hits, especially when I get reminded of the checkpoints time has passed by, and when it does, I push my body beyond limit and get hurt.

I dont want to have to run against time. I have better luck chasing my dreams, one at a time. With no pressure, my dreams will soon be her dreams too. And time will slow down.

Tenanglah wahai hati :)

Posted at 03:48 pm by syahrzan
Comment (1)  

Tuesday, September 03, 2013
Harga minyak naik :(

Some say love, it is a river,
That drowns, the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor,
that leaves, your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you it's only seed.

It's the heart, afraid of breaking,
That never, learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking,
That never, takes the chance.
It's the one, who won't be taken,
Who cannot, seem to give.
And the soul, afraid of dying,
That never, learns to live.

When the night, has been too lonely,
And the road, has been too long.
And you feel, that love is only,
for the lucky, and the strong.
Just remember, in the winter,
Far beneath, the bitter snow,
Lies a seed, that with the sun's love,
In the spring, becomes a rose...

--The Rose, Amanda McBroom

Posted at 01:21 am by syahrzan

Sunday, September 01, 2013

Malam ini ku sendiri, tak ada yang menemani,
Seperti malam-malam yang sudah-sudah
Hati ini selalu sepi, tak ada yang menghiasi,
seperti cinta ini, yang s'lalu pupus

Tuhan kirimkanlah aku kekasih yang baik hati,
Yang mencintai aku apa adanya

Mawar ini semakin layu, tak ada yang memiliki,
seperti, aku ini, semakin pupus

--Munajat Cinta, Dewa 19

Posted at 10:47 pm by syahrzan

Thursday, August 29, 2013
neng neng nong neng, motherfuckers!!!!

I remember going to David Copperfield's show about ten years ago. It was great to finally see him doing his magic, live, as i was finally able to confirm that no camera trick was involved. Every act was better than before and I slept with my mouth open that night.

Even though there are rumors associating his ability with the help of supernatural beings, I believe most of his works are done by creating illusion so amazing, people don't mind being lied to. That is magic.


The magician offered to let me in on her secret but I refused as I did not want anything to be in the way of me enjoying the show with me in it as a participating member of the audience. I trusted her to decide when it was really necessary for me to know what she wanted me to know. I was giving her the benefit of the doubt while giving myself the benefit of really enjoying the 'relationship' guilt-free. It was very selfish of me to keep her from telling me the truth. It must have been hell for her.

The inevitable has happened. As much as I wished the other guy to be the recipient of the bad news, I couldn't really complain when it turned out to be me. I knew that what we had had an expiration date and it would be irresponsible for us to continue past it. I have sort of given up on ever-lasting love long time ago and have been used to being in short-lived romance episodes sometimes even without the girls being aware they were in them.

Knowing the truth, I am confident that I can still win her heart, if I fight for it. But I'd hate myself if I did that, and I need to be able to love myself since no one else can.

It's ok. I have been practicing for this :)

Posted at 01:47 am by syahrzan

Sunday, July 14, 2013
Nyot nyot nyot

Tatap matamu bagai busur panah
Yang kau lepaskan ke jantung hatiku
Meski kau simpan cintamu masih
Tetap nafasku wangi hiasi suasana
Saat kau kecup manis bibirmu

Cintaku tak harus, miliki dirimu
Meski perih mengiris, iris segala janji

Aku berdansa diujung gelisah
Diiringi syahdu lembut lakumu
Kau sebar benih anggun jiwamu
Namun kau tiada, menuai buah cintaku
Yang ada hanya sekuntum rindu

--Roman Picisan, Dewa 19

It was too good to be true. It sure felt real, though. Or else id never have realized that there's some part me still longing for that magical connection. Dying, yes. Suffering, of course. But nothing true love cannot cure. One day.

I am the most optimistic person i know, after all.

Thank you :)

Posted at 01:02 am by syahrzan

Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Pegawai Penyelidik Meja Bulat Yang Tegas

Wazap wazap!

Posted at 03:13 pm by syahrzan
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Wednesday, January 05, 2011
tujahan cinta remaja

This is a story about a friend named Asrif, who also responds to the name Ass-rif, or Ass-fuck. We used to meet every weekend and almost every other day until about a little over year ago when he fell in love.

He has a great voice which sounds even better when he sings. Maybe it is because he is black.

He is an excellent story teller. I have seen girls who literally drool listening to him speak, and it's not hard to imagine that some girls would masturbate to his blog. He is that good and again,maybe because he is black.

He is a virgin (not for long now) which has nothing to do with his skin color. He is just a great guy with the kindest heart. And for that he got rewarded with heaven on earth, he met his soulmate.

I have known the guy for years. It was intimidating at first as he kept using rap slang which he did effortlessly. But as he frequented my apt to learn html from my roommate then, i grew to tolerate his stupid jokes and lies. and when he took a sip of that Coke mixed with my cigarretes' ashes, I knew that we're gonna be brothers forever.

We share the same life principle, that it should be simple. I like everything simple because I pretty much have to due to limited resource. But he on the other hand, keeps it simple by choice. I respect him for that. Also with the talents he has, he could have gone on different routes, and would have been successful in any of them. A little more effort, Fed Hi would be more famous than it already is. Not a very creative name for a blues band but they are good.

It was Friday night when he wasn't there with us trying to make us laugh. He was on a date at some sushi place with a girl he met at lunch earlier that week. I didn't give it much thought and assumed that he was just horny, just like the rest of them losers. Had I known that that date was the beginning of something very beautiful, deep and meaningful, well, I still wouldnt do anything about it.

Weeks went by without news from him. Maybe he did tell me what was going on with him then over the phone. Maybe I just didn't care enough to remember. Then one day, after a series of cancellations, there he was and standing next to him was this sweet, beautiful girl with a smile to die for. the way Yaya look at him, I could tell that she was really into him. Couldn't really see Asrif then as we were at the movies and it was dark, but knowing him, I knew that he was crazy about the girl. Would hv whispered to him right then and there about how lucky they were to have found each other but could not turn my head away from the screen not wanting to miss any scene from the movie twilight tbat was playing. What a great movie that was.


"Aku rasa she's the one la Wang. Aku jatuh cinta terus sudah." The first thing?he said?when we met for the first time in months to which I did not respond. I was dissappointed as I thought we could talk about something other than him being in love. Or he could hv told me if he'd been getting some, because it had been a while for me. And I would settle with some updates in the porn industry. But no, he kept talking about this amazing wonderful feeling he was having.?When I thought he was done talking, he took a deep breath, pointed to the sun and said, "cantik bukan sunset itu?" As if that wasn't awkward enough, he then went on and announced the end of his 20-year relationship with his left hand? and retirement from being Avy Scott's no 1 fan. Ass-rif dah byk berubah!


A few more days to his wedding and I can't be more excited. Truth is, the wedding is all my friends and I talk about for months now even though most of them are more interested in the night after the wedding. And I am really looking forward to attending the wedding, to celebrate the unity of two most beautiful souls ive ever known and be part of history.

I have learned a lot from these two lovebirds. From watching them talk and look at each other, from what Ass-rif has told me the three or four times we hung out last year, what he told me last weekend, and what they write to each other on Twitter which requires a dictionary of love to understand. From them ive learned that true love exists, and it doesnt have to be complicated.

Selamat Pengantin Baru, Asrif dan Yaya.

Posted at 04:56 pm by syahrzan
Comments (13)  

Friday, September 10, 2010
loser yg mengapdet blog di malam raya yg mengasyikkan

"Your name reminded me of you. Because obviously that is your name. So when I see your name, i ll always be reminded of someone, the owner of that particular name. You. You with your own name."
-Izzudin Ab Rahim, CLEO's 51st most eligible bachelor

I had 2 weeks to talk myself out of it while i could just wait and let nature run its course like i always do. Nyot nyot nyot. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Blah.

Posted at 12:10 am by syahrzan
Comments (4)  

Monday, August 30, 2010

Hujan yg turun sejak petang tadi sudah berhenti. yg tggl cuma titis-titis kecil  air yg berlumba-lumba utk terjun dr atap ke muka bumi. Atau longkang. Bulan bersembunyi di balik awan gelap. Bintang-bintang tidak kelihatan... suasana damai. sesekali kelihatan kumpulan anak2 gadis, tubuh dilitupi telekung berjalan sopan menuju ke dewan besar.

Mlm kebiasaannya dewan itu sepi dan gelap gelita, malam itu meriah. terang benderang. Sebagaiman lima malam sebelumnya. kerusi-kerusi yg biasnya memenuhi dewan diganti dgn hamparan tikar dan sejadah. ruang dalam dewan dipenuhi dgn pelajar-pelajar lelaki dan perempuan, warden2 dan sebilangan cikgu.

Di satu sudut berdekatan dgn tabir pemisah antara jemaah lelaki dan wanita, Abu duduk bersila dgn kepalanya menghadap ke lantai. Wajahnya kelihatan runsing.

Tidak lama kemudian matanya terarah kepada susuk tubuh seorang cikgu yg sedang tekun membaca kitab himpunan hadith. Terpancar cahaya ketenagan dr riak mukanya. mungkin datang dari keikhlasan mendidik anak2 bangsa dan kesungguhannya dlm menegakkan syiar islam d bumi borneo itu. perwataannya sederhana dan pertuturan lembut walapupun kadangkala tajam menusuk.

Adunan bunyi-bunyi dari bacaan al-quran, bisik2 halus dan manja dari sebelah tabir dan suara-suara dr kumpulan-kumpulan yg rancak berbual terhenti, memberi laluan untuk azan isyak.alunan suara lembut tapi bertenaga, butiran ayat2 jelas dan tegas memuji kebesaran ilahi memecah keheningan.

Azan tamat. Inilah masanya, fikir Abu. Perlahan-perlahan mendekati cikgu itu yg kini sudah menutup kitab tebal berwarna putih itu.

"assalamualaikum cikgu"


"cikgu, sia mau tanya sikit bulih ka? dlm bulan puasa, syaitan, iblis kena ikat bah kan? Habis kenapa masi juga ada orang jahat, mencuri dan sebagainya?"

"oh. sebelum cikgu jawab soalan tu cikgu nak tanya dulu. sekarang dah berapa tahun negara kita merdeka? "

"Suda 37 tahun mungkin, cikgu. Sia rasa lah."

"Betul. Sedihnya, masih ramai lagi antara kita yg masih dijajah mindanya. Ratusan tahun dibelenggu penjajahan telah sedikit sebanyak menghakis keyakinan diri utk maju sendiri. Dalam diri setiap kita terdapat rasa kagum terhadap negara-negara bekas penjajah ini hinggakan kita gigih meniru mereka dan ada masanya mengorbankan nilai-nilai kita sendiri untuk mencapai taraf moden mengikut definisi mereka.

Mereka kata fenomena y2k akan mengakibatkan kerosakan yg besar, kita percaya. mereka kata Iraq menyembunyikan Weapon of Mass Destruction pun kita angguk sahaja."
"Tapi cikgu, y2k tu apa? dan sia tida paham tu pasal Weapon of Mass Destruction tu."

"Tak mengapa Abu, Syah sedang cuba menulis secara kreatif.  Sambungan pada penerangan cikgu tadi, itulah tamsilannya bagi peranan iblis dalam megnhasut manusia ke arah kejahatan."

tamsilan tu apa pula cikgu? soal Abu dalam hati. kalau disuarakan takut tambah panjang lagi ceramah dari cikgu kesayangannya itu.

"Iblis dan syaitan-syaitan bekerja keras menggoda manusia kepada kemungkaran. Bersejentakan hiburan yg mengasyikkan, muzik yang melalaikan, wanita-wanita yg menggiurkan dalam cubaan utk membuatkan manusia lupa pada janji mereka kepada yg Maha Pencipta. Mereka bekerja tanpa henti untuk memastikan manusia sukakan maksiat, bencikan ibadat. Helah yg dipakai adakalanya besar dan jelas, tapi selalunya amat halus yg mana lebih bahaya dan besar mudharatnya.

Dan di bulan ramadhan, walaupun syaitan dan iblis diikat atau dirantai, hati yg sudah biasa lalai, nafsu yg sentiasa dibelai manja mengambil alih peranan untuk terus menghanyutkan manusia di dalam noda kemaksiatan."
Iqamat bergema dan jemaah perlahan-perlahan memenuhi saf-saf depan.

"Terimakasih, cikgu, Sia faham suda sikit2." kata Abu yg sedang menahan diri daripada menguap. Dia masih berpendapat yg soalannya dapat dijawab dgn satu ayat ringkas bukan panjang berjela lengkap dgn tamsilan. Ketika itu dia tidak sedar apa yg diterangkan cikgu itu tadi mungkin dapat juga dijadikan bahan utk ditulisnya 15 tahun akan datang, walaupun butirannya agak kabur, ketika bosnya tiada di pejabat dan tggl 4 jam lagi sbl berbuka puasa.

Kini kerunsingan sudah berkurang. Abu sudah mula redha dgn kehilangan buku komik Dragon Ball yg baru dibelinya.  Sesiapapun yg mengambilnya, apa pun alasannya, mungkin mereka lebih memerlukannya. Lagipun, Abu sudahpun selesai membacanya, meskipun masih belum puas.

Soalan sudah terjawab, keetnangan sedikit terasa namun kekhusyukkan solatnya masih terganggu. Sudah masuk rakaat kelima tarawih fikirannya masih khayal meniti baris-baris lirik dari lagu yg belum ditulis oleh sebuah kumpulan yg mungkin belum wujud ketika itu

 Ketika jiwamu ... merasuk ke dalam
Aliran darahku dan meracuniku ...
Ketika jiwamu ... memeluk hatiku
Dan biarkan jiwaku ... cumbui jiwamu

Mistikus Cinta - Dewa

Posted at 04:37 pm by syahrzan
Comments (3)  

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