When I built that wall around me not long ago, it was to protect me from another heart break which also an excuse for me to ignore people around me. And I kept on adding layer after layer until there was a little room for me to breathe. I was suffocating with no one to blame but myself. Good thing I left a key to a dear friend, who visited from time to time.
She would just sit there and smile while I complained about my shitty life, the injustice of the world etc. If she was like any other person she'd either kill me or herself (whichever easier), because the story I was telling was just too depressing and too much for one person to handle.
Occasionally she would take my hand, guide me outside, and teach me to see the world the way she sees it. And from that angle I began to see all kinds of possibilities and most importantly I could see that there's still Hope, if not here, maybe in some strip clubs.
She was the only person that I could open up to, be vulnerable with then. And slowly, with her on my side or in my fantasy, I was becoming friend with the world again. At the same time, my feelings towards her grew bigger and bigger, which might be the best explanation for the sudden ten kg increase in my weight, because I dont look any heavier.
In an effort to stop those feelings from messing up what we have, I've been trying to make myself comfortable in the 'friend zone' with her which was supposedly more than enough. That was the deal anyway. I knew her and myself well enough to accept the fact that she was way out of my league.
Fling or no fling (nak credit tak?), She has done a lot in getting me prepared to face the world again. Things now are back to normal, and some are even better. I get to play the never ending game of hide and seek with the 'blessing', even though I keep on losing (no surprise there).
Most importantly, I have regained the function of my left brain, which enables me to say 'Hello World' in 37 languages. And after idling for a couple of months, I can get back to mastering .net, vb,c, AJAX, PHP, SQL, etc. Just the terms and what each of them stands for, to add to my bullshit vocabulary list so that I will be more convincing when meeting my prospective clients. And nothing is more calming than sitting in front of my computer writing lines and lines of stupid codes. And when I do, nothing else matter that even Maria Ozawa gets ignored, mosaic or not. What can I say, I am just a geek trapped inside another geek's body.
I think Fed Hi is cool, Not the vocalist, though. He sucks and is definitely not funny.
't' besar und.... ops... blah.
